11 Days and Counting

I am getting married in 11 days! Yes...only 11. And I am so excited. I have my dress, my shoes, I'm moving out of my place into OUR PLACE. I can't even contain how much I am looking forward to next week. Won't this week go by faster!?

Calm Down

So I have been so stressed. Overly stressed to the point that I keep hurting my back and being klutzy. And I realized on Sunday, that I really just need to calm down. That things are going to be okay. That maybe life is hard right now, but it won't always be this hard, it will get better. I will have other challenges but I need to remember to have hope and not get discouraged. Which I had forgotten for the last few weeks.

So my new goal: don't get discouraged and take care of yourself (because chiropractors are EXPENSIVE!) :D

It has been way too long!

So, I haven't written since I became engaged!

But I am getting married August 15th in the Los Angeles Temple to Mr. Aaron Nuzman of Aberdeen, Maryland.

And I am so happy.

So...over the past few months I have been so financially unstable that...I was just paid for the month of June...and it has been used all on medical and car expenses. Now I have nothing to pay my rent...but I guess I just feel hopeful and peaceful about it. It's going to be okay...whatever happens.

But...I guess that most of my attention has been focused on my new job and wedding planning. I am a music teacher at the Art City Music Academy and I have been teaching vocal students there. I love every minute of it. My students are very enjoyable and we have become great friends. It actually makes me want to do both elementary school teaching and music teaching. I don't know how possible that is, but it would be fun. As for wedding planning: I have found my dress, I am picking up 600 invitations this afternoon, Aaron and I have picked colors, we have our wedding photographer and our DJ, we have the food chosen, we have the bridesmaid fabric for skirts and a wonderful seamstress, we are in the middle of a wedding scrapbook, we even have the punch picked out. It seems that addressing the invitations, stressing for no good reason, and waiting is all we have left to do...and all of the extra things that come up that i know will really make life hectic.

But I look forward to it all.

I cannot believe how happy I am. I cannot wait to marry Aaron...and I feel ridiculous for saying so, but it's true. He is absolutely wonderful.

Oh...story

So I had gluten last night. terrible! I was in a lot of pain for about 5 or 6 hours and I was crying. It was ridiculous. And Aaron stood with me, got me water, made sure I was comfortable, drove me home, washed all my dishes, and then picked me up this morning to take me to the doctor at 7:30 am. just a bit a terrific eh? :D

Reflections

I went to the temple this morning with my roommate. We both have this awesome way of anticipating when the other needs to go. I really wanted to go and we just happened to want to go at the same time. When we came to the temple there were so many people inside that we had a long time to just sit in wait. Which, is actually one of my favorite things to do in the temple. What better place to just sit and wait? It's like God noticed how I've been running around like crazy without a break and decided to make me sit and just be peaceful for an hour. Probably one of the most appreciated blessings for me today.

I always bring my journal with me to the temple. I find that my thoughts are easiest to understand when I am there. I just sat down to write during my waiting time. I wrote four or five pages on what has been going through my head as of late.

My best friend is engaged to be married in August. I am so excited for her. And no offense to her fiancee, but it is definitely hard to trust your best friend to someone. I have to trust that he will love her and care for her for eternity. And then know that I am trusting in her decision. If I trust her, then I need to trust him.

Last night in my health class we were talking on the joyful subject of death, loss, grief, and suicide. One girl in class shared a story of her friend who is cutting herself and has been suicidal. I don't feel all knowledgeable on this subject in the least, but I feel I have at least something to offer. I understand that people sometimes hurt themselves (whether through cutting or overdosing or some other means) because they hurt so much on the inside. How can they hurt so much on the inside and have it not show on the outside? These people might not even be suicidal. It's a completely illogical solution to something that could be solved another way. In that situation the most difficult part is waiting for the solution (the logical one) to come and to trust that you will allow yourself to survive until that day. How scary it is to be afraid, even terrified, of yourself. On a good day you think that you were crazy for even considering such an option. The idea that you could have such an irrational thought terrifies you for tomorrow and the following days. And even when people are there to help you, how could they understand? And then there comes that day when it clicks. That you had to choose to be happy for months for it to finally take effect. That you were getting better without seeing it, and finally you are there and life is good.

It's so sad to hear of all the reasons as to why people would want to take their own life. I remember being very young and considering such an alternative to life. And then realizing that no matter how confused I was at that moment, I did not want my family to blame themselves at all. It was not their fault that I was sad. And so I decided to stick it out, and I chose it for my family. And...I wouldn't trade that decision for the world or anything greater than the world.

While I was reflecting on all these things in my journal it brought me back to thinking about how happy I am right now. I could contrast this time in my life to other years. I am so happy right now. I am filled with gratitude to my Heavenly Father. I definitely don't feel deserving of the wisdom, love, or blessings that he is giving me. But I am appreciative, and I want to do the best I can with these wonderful parts of my life. And I know that I would not trade what I have and understand now no matter the amount of jibes some people give or the number of alternatives I am presented. This is better and I can see it clearly.

never been so sure

I cannot often say that I'm positively sure of how I feel. I am rarely this confident. But I feel confident.

The funny thing is that other times I could have felt like this in my life I've held back. I have been unsure and not confident and embarrassed. Too afraid to show the way I felt because of the reactions I would get.

But now, I don't even care. I'm so happy. I just want to act how I feel. And i feel wonderful.

I can't even find more words to write. Usually I'm a lot more long winded. But oh well.

Weird

I do weird things when I'm stressed. I have a strong desire to hide in my room. I really want to steal a car and drive all weekend? Anyone have a car I can borrow? I think I'll just take a blanket, go someplace warm, and sleep in a field somewhere like a hobo. Just me.

That's a weird way to react.

I've had a few people tell me they don't know what to do with me when I'm stressed. They just throw up their hands and wait for me to get through it. I can't decide if that helps me or not. I feel like I'm a different person when I'm stressed. What I wanted last week doesn't cross my mind this week, and vice versa. And I'm really really tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. And my roommate says I've been talking in my sleep a lot.

Wake me up when it's over.

Awe

This word has two meanings:

Awe as in Awwwww...because that's how I feel.

And Awe, because I am in awe. I'm just amazed and feeling great and loving this emotion.

And I think that's all I want to say about it. Except for the fact that I am really grateful. Really really grateful.

:D